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The Psychology of Forgiveness

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Forgiveness is most often associated with letting go of a past hurt or crime committed against you by another. To forgive, dictionary.com records, means to, “grant pardon for or remission of.”   The act of forgiving, however, is easier defined than done.

The word “of” is a vitally important piece of the forgiveness puzzle, as is “who”, though it doesn’t appear above. The speed with which one forgives and in fact the decision to forgive in the first place hinges on those two words. Who said or did something to offend, and what are they guilty of?

The answers to both determine whether or not forgiveness is extended and how quickly the decision is made. Anyone who’s ever been wronged by a friend, family member, co-worker, or stranger knows well this degree of difference. When, for instance, a husband or wife cheats, the duration of the affair – was it a one time fling or six month betrayal – goes a long way to determining whether or not the offended spouse will truly forgive their partner. The hurt inflicted – emotionally, mentally and spiritually – is often too much to overcome in those situations where the infidelity spanned months, not hours.

On the other hand, if two teenage boys get in a fist fight after football practice, the odds that they’ll be back in one another’s good graces in a matter of hours is very high, especially if the catalyst for the fight was simply a hard hitting round of drills where emotions were already elevated. These types of altercations happen daily on athletic fields around the country, and forgiveness is usually offered after a well-meaning “I’m sorry.”

There is also, however, the case of massive hurt inflicted accidentally by a stranger or mere acquaintance. For instance, when a young child darts in front of an unsuspecting driver, and is run over and killed, many parents – though overwhelmed with grief and sorrow – will extended forgiveness to the driver because of the accidental nature of his or her actions, especially if the driver shows empathy, which they usually do.

On the other hand, if a husband or wife acts recklessly and backs the car into a beloved pet or worse, a child, forgiveness is not easy. The havoc wrought by a momentary explosion in anger or hasty judgment can be irreversible and unforgiveable, for many.

Why are there so many shades of forgiveness? The answer is that there are varying degrees of hurt – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Physical wounds are often easier to forgive than those that enter these other realms. The human existence is more than flesh and bone, and when someone inflicts deep wounds on another’s psyche, it can take months or years for the offended party to pardon the offender. Add to that the closeness of the offender to the victim, and the complexity of a situation can multiply exponentially.

Moreover, the capacity to forgive – whatever the offense – varies from person to person. We’ve all met others who have an inability to forgive what most would consider minor offenses, though perhaps they are able to overlook and forgive graver offenses. In the end, the human condition makes forgiveness a messy business.

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